A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he sinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
THE TURTLE BET
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks, "What's wrong with your turtle"?
"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!" replies the barkeep.
"Okay then, says the guy. You take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So, the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three, calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says, "I win!"
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks, "What's wrong with your turtle"?
"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!" replies the barkeep.
"Okay then, says the guy. You take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So, the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three, calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says, "I win!"
FIRE HER!
There were three female explorers who decided that they would go explore the African jungle together. One blonde, one brunnette and one redhead.
They were near the centre of the jungle when a rare African tribe surrounded them. The tribe said that the explorers had uncovered their secret location, so to stop them revealing it to the world, the tribe would destroy them. The tribe decided to shoot them with a bow and arrow one by one as a ritual.
First they chose the brunnette. She stepped up and they called 3-2-1, but before they could shoot she yelled "TORNADO", the tribe dropped to the floor covering their heads, when they realised nothing was happening, they looked up but the brunette had took her chance and was gone." However, the now angry tribe forced the redhead into the firing line, the tribe began, "3-2-1… " this time the redhead screamed, "FLOOD!!!"
The tribe jumped and all started climbing tree's to avoid being swept away, the redhead then too made her get away.
The tribe were furious at being outwit, they moved the blonde to the firing line.
"Hmmm" thought the blonde, "shouting out a natural disaster at the last minute seems to work, I think I'll give it a go".
Again the tribe started "3-2-1…" and then the blonde shouted "FIRE!!"
They were near the centre of the jungle when a rare African tribe surrounded them. The tribe said that the explorers had uncovered their secret location, so to stop them revealing it to the world, the tribe would destroy them. The tribe decided to shoot them with a bow and arrow one by one as a ritual.
First they chose the brunnette. She stepped up and they called 3-2-1, but before they could shoot she yelled "TORNADO", the tribe dropped to the floor covering their heads, when they realised nothing was happening, they looked up but the brunette had took her chance and was gone." However, the now angry tribe forced the redhead into the firing line, the tribe began, "3-2-1… " this time the redhead screamed, "FLOOD!!!"
The tribe jumped and all started climbing tree's to avoid being swept away, the redhead then too made her get away.
The tribe were furious at being outwit, they moved the blonde to the firing line.
"Hmmm" thought the blonde, "shouting out a natural disaster at the last minute seems to work, I think I'll give it a go".
Again the tribe started "3-2-1…" and then the blonde shouted "FIRE!!"
MENTAL RELEASE
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.
The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.
"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.
"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."
"Absolutely," said the head.
"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."
"An interesting possibility," said the head.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."
The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.
"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.
"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."
"Absolutely," said the head.
"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."
"An interesting possibility," said the head.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."
POCKET LAUGHS, WEDDING VOWS
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'D appreciate it if you'D just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'D appreciate it if you'D just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
Monday, 15 September 2008
JUJU, POISON OR PURE IGNORANCE?
There is something bothering my mind for sometime now. I know this issue will be controversial in nature and will require serious scrutiny, but I want others to provide the much needed answers to this burning issue that has wrecked havoc in many a family and some serious relationships.
I am very much aware of the caliber of people that browse this site. As such I look forward to a critical analysis of this thorny issue.
Sometimes when people get sick and report to the hospital for treatment, they sometimes get fed up with the type of treatments given by qualified medical practitioners. They tend to prefer going to the native doctors and getting the type of cure that is given there.
I don’t have anything against native doctors or people that take treatments from them, but the nature and manner they practice their brand of medicine baffles me. I will tell you a story to buttress this story.
One lady got sick and went to a real hospital to get treated. She was diagnosed to have typhoid fever. Drugs were procured for her and she continued to take her drugs. Ten days later her condition was not getting any better. So her close friends suggested she must have another problem and needs to see a pastor. The ‘prayer warrior’ pastor, after a prayer session, informed the family that the girl was poisoned.
A nearby native doctor was contacted to flush the poison and he gave some serious concoctions to the lady to drink to flush this ‘poison.’ After the lady drank the said drugs, she got sicker, she can’t stool or urinate again as her stomach started swelling up. She was in this condition for four days!
The girl, sorry lady was removed from the prayer house and taken away on a 7 hour drive back to her home town. The aged mother, (around 70, illiterate) upon hearing that her daughter was poisoned quickly suggested where to take the now unconscious lady to yet another native doctor to do the double flush. The next day the lady was transported to yet another town for a proper flush. They told her an enemy has planted poison inside her.
This is when my friend got to know about this for the first time, they demanded to use his car to transport the lady to the village where she will receive treatment. He asked them to visit a hospital a stone throw away but the family refused, insisting that this is a case of poison and should only be cured by traditional means.
At the centre, the native doctor took a look at the lady and demanded to have one drug, he requested the family to get a white bucket and watch what the lady will vomit out. First, he demanded the sum of N360, 000.00 as the money the family should get together before treatment will commence! At that point I couldn’t listen again; I stood up and left his house.
Now consider these;
What is this native doctor treating, drug complications or poison?
Why didn’t this native doctor run other tests on this lady?
Supposing more complications arise from this new drugs?
Are we even sure its poison that was given to this lady?
What was the name of the drug that was given to the lady at first and what are its contra indications?
Or is it that, I dont know what I am talking about?
I am very much aware of the caliber of people that browse this site. As such I look forward to a critical analysis of this thorny issue.
Sometimes when people get sick and report to the hospital for treatment, they sometimes get fed up with the type of treatments given by qualified medical practitioners. They tend to prefer going to the native doctors and getting the type of cure that is given there.
I don’t have anything against native doctors or people that take treatments from them, but the nature and manner they practice their brand of medicine baffles me. I will tell you a story to buttress this story.
One lady got sick and went to a real hospital to get treated. She was diagnosed to have typhoid fever. Drugs were procured for her and she continued to take her drugs. Ten days later her condition was not getting any better. So her close friends suggested she must have another problem and needs to see a pastor. The ‘prayer warrior’ pastor, after a prayer session, informed the family that the girl was poisoned.
A nearby native doctor was contacted to flush the poison and he gave some serious concoctions to the lady to drink to flush this ‘poison.’ After the lady drank the said drugs, she got sicker, she can’t stool or urinate again as her stomach started swelling up. She was in this condition for four days!
The girl, sorry lady was removed from the prayer house and taken away on a 7 hour drive back to her home town. The aged mother, (around 70, illiterate) upon hearing that her daughter was poisoned quickly suggested where to take the now unconscious lady to yet another native doctor to do the double flush. The next day the lady was transported to yet another town for a proper flush. They told her an enemy has planted poison inside her.
This is when my friend got to know about this for the first time, they demanded to use his car to transport the lady to the village where she will receive treatment. He asked them to visit a hospital a stone throw away but the family refused, insisting that this is a case of poison and should only be cured by traditional means.
At the centre, the native doctor took a look at the lady and demanded to have one drug, he requested the family to get a white bucket and watch what the lady will vomit out. First, he demanded the sum of N360, 000.00 as the money the family should get together before treatment will commence! At that point I couldn’t listen again; I stood up and left his house.
Now consider these;
What is this native doctor treating, drug complications or poison?
Why didn’t this native doctor run other tests on this lady?
Supposing more complications arise from this new drugs?
Are we even sure its poison that was given to this lady?
What was the name of the drug that was given to the lady at first and what are its contra indications?
Or is it that, I dont know what I am talking about?
Sunday, 24 August 2008
ARE NIGERIAN BANKS AS HEALTHY AS THEY CLAIM?
Nigeria
Are the banks as shiny as they look?
Aug 21st 2008 | LAGOS
From The Economist print edition
Doubts persist about Nigeria’s banks
THE bright logos of Nigeria’s financial institutions adorn the tallest and poshest office blocks in central Lagos, the country’s commercial capital, testimony to years of impressive growth in banking. But now, after a rocky year, there are worries that some of the optimism may have been overblown.
The reform of Nigeria’s creaking, corrupt banking system was one of the big achievements of President Olusegun Obasanjo in his second term in office (2003-07). As part of a policy to squeeze weak or failing banks out of business, in 2005 the Central Bank of Nigeria raised banks’ capital requirements. In a hectic round of consolidation, the number of banks dropped from 89 to 24. Those that remained have had a very good few years, with massive local expansion and sometimes triple-digit growth in their share prices. And with less than a fifth of Nigerians keeping their money in banks and with fast growth led by private companies, there still seems to be plenty of potential for more business. Banks surveyed by a Lagos-based stockbroker, Afrinvest, showed that median before-tax earnings had risen by 141% year-on-year by June.
Yet share prices have been dropping throughout 2008, suggesting a lack of confidence. Would-be investors have started to eye Nigeria’s banks, in particular their regulatory practices, more warily. Some wonder whether the apparent gains of the past few years are all they seem. “The foundation is not there, it’s weak,” says an analyst, Osaruyi Orobosa-Ogbeide, of a Lagos-based firm, Financial Derivatives.
Though banking standards have certainly risen a lot in recent years, they still lag behind those of America and the European Union, particularly in terms of transparency. In April, United Bank for Africa, one of the country’s biggest, fell foul of American regulators who served the bank with a $15m fine for ignoring anti-money-laundering regulations despite several warnings. “There’s no resemblance at all between operating in Britain or America and operating in Nigeria,” says Fola Fagbule, a research analyst with Afrinvest. “It’s light years apart, and it’s an issue [the banks] need to address”.
The top seven Nigerian banks, with a combined market value of almost $40 billion, are overvalued by as much as 56%, according to a report published in May by JPMorgan, an American financial-services company. Part of the problem is that banks have used their own money to push up their stock prices by engaging in risky lending to corporations and individuals who invest in the banks’ own shares.
Those in charge of imposing some order on the sector have also been found wanting. After share prices began to fall earlier this year, the central bank set a floor on trading in a bid to buoy the market. Investors were left with no choice but to hold on to stocks; that unnerved many of them. Bismarck Rewane of Financial Derivatives described the action as “a disorderly intervention in a chaotic market.”
Lamido Sanusi, a risk-control officer who will take over next January as the head of Nigeria’s oldest bank, First Bank, is disappointed that regulators are not tougher in insisting on transparency and disclosure of information. Foreign investors demand open banking procedures, he says, yet banks are not now obliged to open their books to scrutiny. “Are these banks being properly managed? Are these assets being properly deployed?” asks Mr Sanusi. “We don’t know the reality.”
Nigeria is sub-Saharan Africa’s second-biggest economy after South Africa’s and the world’s eighth-largest oil exporter, yet the continent’s most populous country (with 140m-plus citizens) has yet to fulfil its economic potential. A robust banking sector that everyone can have confidence in is essential; the country’s reformers and regulators cannot rest on their laurels.
Are the banks as shiny as they look?
Aug 21st 2008 | LAGOS
From The Economist print edition
Doubts persist about Nigeria’s banks
THE bright logos of Nigeria’s financial institutions adorn the tallest and poshest office blocks in central Lagos, the country’s commercial capital, testimony to years of impressive growth in banking. But now, after a rocky year, there are worries that some of the optimism may have been overblown.
The reform of Nigeria’s creaking, corrupt banking system was one of the big achievements of President Olusegun Obasanjo in his second term in office (2003-07). As part of a policy to squeeze weak or failing banks out of business, in 2005 the Central Bank of Nigeria raised banks’ capital requirements. In a hectic round of consolidation, the number of banks dropped from 89 to 24. Those that remained have had a very good few years, with massive local expansion and sometimes triple-digit growth in their share prices. And with less than a fifth of Nigerians keeping their money in banks and with fast growth led by private companies, there still seems to be plenty of potential for more business. Banks surveyed by a Lagos-based stockbroker, Afrinvest, showed that median before-tax earnings had risen by 141% year-on-year by June.
Yet share prices have been dropping throughout 2008, suggesting a lack of confidence. Would-be investors have started to eye Nigeria’s banks, in particular their regulatory practices, more warily. Some wonder whether the apparent gains of the past few years are all they seem. “The foundation is not there, it’s weak,” says an analyst, Osaruyi Orobosa-Ogbeide, of a Lagos-based firm, Financial Derivatives.
Though banking standards have certainly risen a lot in recent years, they still lag behind those of America and the European Union, particularly in terms of transparency. In April, United Bank for Africa, one of the country’s biggest, fell foul of American regulators who served the bank with a $15m fine for ignoring anti-money-laundering regulations despite several warnings. “There’s no resemblance at all between operating in Britain or America and operating in Nigeria,” says Fola Fagbule, a research analyst with Afrinvest. “It’s light years apart, and it’s an issue [the banks] need to address”.
The top seven Nigerian banks, with a combined market value of almost $40 billion, are overvalued by as much as 56%, according to a report published in May by JPMorgan, an American financial-services company. Part of the problem is that banks have used their own money to push up their stock prices by engaging in risky lending to corporations and individuals who invest in the banks’ own shares.
Those in charge of imposing some order on the sector have also been found wanting. After share prices began to fall earlier this year, the central bank set a floor on trading in a bid to buoy the market. Investors were left with no choice but to hold on to stocks; that unnerved many of them. Bismarck Rewane of Financial Derivatives described the action as “a disorderly intervention in a chaotic market.”
Lamido Sanusi, a risk-control officer who will take over next January as the head of Nigeria’s oldest bank, First Bank, is disappointed that regulators are not tougher in insisting on transparency and disclosure of information. Foreign investors demand open banking procedures, he says, yet banks are not now obliged to open their books to scrutiny. “Are these banks being properly managed? Are these assets being properly deployed?” asks Mr Sanusi. “We don’t know the reality.”
Nigeria is sub-Saharan Africa’s second-biggest economy after South Africa’s and the world’s eighth-largest oil exporter, yet the continent’s most populous country (with 140m-plus citizens) has yet to fulfil its economic potential. A robust banking sector that everyone can have confidence in is essential; the country’s reformers and regulators cannot rest on their laurels.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)