tigerkenn

TIT FOR TAT

2008-09-17T09:54:00.000-07:00

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he sinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"

THE TURTLE BET

2008-09-17T09:47:00.000-07:00

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks, "What's wrong with your turtle"?

"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"

"Not a chance!" replies the barkeep.

"Okay then, says the guy. You take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So, the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three, calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says, "I win!"

FIRE HER!

2008-09-17T09:44:00.000-07:00

There were three female explorers who decided that they would go explore the African jungle together. One blonde, one brunnette and one redhead.
They were near the centre of the jungle when a rare African tribe surrounded them. The tribe said that the explorers had uncovered their secret location, so to stop them revealing it to the world, the tribe would destroy them. The tribe decided to shoot them with a bow and arrow one by one as a ritual.

First they chose the brunnette. She stepped up and they called 3-2-1, but before they could shoot she yelled "TORNADO", the tribe dropped to the floor covering their heads, when they realised nothing was happening, they looked up but the brunette had took her chance and was gone." However, the now angry tribe forced the redhead into the firing line, the tribe began, "3-2-1… " this time the redhead screamed, "FLOOD!!!"

The tribe jumped and all started climbing tree's to avoid being swept away, the redhead then too made her get away.

The tribe were furious at being outwit, they moved the blonde to the firing line.

"Hmmm" thought the blonde, "shouting out a natural disaster at the last minute seems to work, I think I'll give it a go".

Again the tribe started "3-2-1…" and then the blonde shouted "FIRE!!"

MENTAL RELEASE

2008-09-17T09:39:00.000-07:00

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

POCKET LAUGHS, WEDDING VOWS

2008-09-17T09:30:00.000-07:00

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'D appreciate it if you'D just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

JUJU, POISON OR PURE IGNORANCE?

2008-09-15T10:43:00.000-07:00

There is something bothering my mind for sometime now. I know this issue will be controversial in nature and will require serious scrutiny, but I want others to provide the much needed answers to this burning issue that has wrecked havoc in many a family and some serious relationships.

I am very much aware of the caliber of people that browse this site. As such I look forward to a critical analysis of this thorny issue.

Sometimes when people get sick and report to the hospital for treatment, they sometimes get fed up with the type of treatments given by qualified medical practitioners. They tend to prefer going to the native doctors and getting the type of cure that is given there.

I don’t have anything against native doctors or people that take treatments from them, but the nature and manner they practice their brand of medicine baffles me. I will tell you a story to buttress this story.

One lady got sick and went to a real hospital to get treated. She was diagnosed to have typhoid fever. Drugs were procured for her and she continued to take her drugs. Ten days later her condition was not getting any better. So her close friends suggested she must have another problem and needs to see a pastor. The ‘prayer warrior’ pastor, after a prayer session, informed the family that the girl was poisoned.

A nearby native doctor was contacted to flush the poison and he gave some serious concoctions to the lady to drink to flush this ‘poison.’ After the lady drank the said drugs, she got sicker, she can’t stool or urinate again as her stomach started swelling up. She was in this condition for four days!

The girl, sorry lady was removed from the prayer house and taken away on a 7 hour drive back to her home town. The aged mother, (around 70, illiterate) upon hearing that her daughter was poisoned quickly suggested where to take the now unconscious lady to yet another native doctor to do the double flush. The next day the lady was transported to yet another town for a proper flush. They told her an enemy has planted poison inside her.

This is when my friend got to know about this for the first time, they demanded to use his car to transport the lady to the village where she will receive treatment. He asked them to visit a hospital a stone throw away but the family refused, insisting that this is a case of poison and should only be cured by traditional means.

At the centre, the native doctor took a look at the lady and demanded to have one drug, he requested the family to get a white bucket and watch what the lady will vomit out. First, he demanded the sum of N360, 000.00 as the money the family should get together before treatment will commence! At that point I couldn’t listen again; I stood up and left his house.

Now consider these;

What is this native doctor treating, drug complications or poison?

Why didn’t this native doctor run other tests on this lady?

Supposing more complications arise from this new drugs?

Are we even sure its poison that was given to this lady?

What was the name of the drug that was given to the lady at first and what are its contra indications?

Or is it that, I dont know what I am talking about?

ARE NIGERIAN BANKS AS HEALTHY AS THEY CLAIM?

2008-08-24T09:07:00.000-07:00

Nigeria

Are the banks as shiny as they look?

Aug 21st 2008 | LAGOS

From The Economist print edition

Doubts persist about Nigeria’s banks

THE bright logos of Nigeria’s financial institutions adorn the tallest and poshest office blocks in central Lagos, the country’s commercial capital, testimony to years of impressive growth in banking. But now, after a rocky year, there are worries that some of the optimism may have been overblown.

The reform of Nigeria’s creaking, corrupt banking system was one of the big achievements of President Olusegun Obasanjo in his second term in office (2003-07). As part of a policy to squeeze weak or failing banks out of business, in 2005 the Central Bank of Nigeria raised banks’ capital requirements. In a hectic round of consolidation, the number of banks dropped from 89 to 24. Those that remained have had a very good few years, with massive local expansion and sometimes triple-digit growth in their share prices. And with less than a fifth of Nigerians keeping their money in banks and with fast growth led by private companies, there still seems to be plenty of potential for more business. Banks surveyed by a Lagos-based stockbroker, Afrinvest, showed that median before-tax earnings had risen by 141% year-on-year by June.

Yet share prices have been dropping throughout 2008, suggesting a lack of confidence. Would-be investors have started to eye Nigeria’s banks, in particular their regulatory practices, more warily. Some wonder whether the apparent gains of the past few years are all they seem. “The foundation is not there, it’s weak,” says an analyst, Osaruyi Orobosa-Ogbeide, of a Lagos-based firm, Financial Derivatives.

Though banking standards have certainly risen a lot in recent years, they still lag behind those of America and the European Union, particularly in terms of transparency. In April, United Bank for Africa, one of the country’s biggest, fell foul of American regulators who served the bank with a $15m fine for ignoring anti-money-laundering regulations despite several warnings. “There’s no resemblance at all between operating in Britain or America and operating in Nigeria,” says Fola Fagbule, a research analyst with Afrinvest. “It’s light years apart, and it’s an issue [the banks] need to address”.

The top seven Nigerian banks, with a combined market value of almost $40 billion, are overvalued by as much as 56%, according to a report published in May by JPMorgan, an American financial-services company. Part of the problem is that banks have used their own money to push up their stock prices by engaging in risky lending to corporations and individuals who invest in the banks’ own shares.

Those in charge of imposing some order on the sector have also been found wanting. After share prices began to fall earlier this year, the central bank set a floor on trading in a bid to buoy the market. Investors were left with no choice but to hold on to stocks; that unnerved many of them. Bismarck Rewane of Financial Derivatives described the action as “a disorderly intervention in a chaotic market.”

Lamido Sanusi, a risk-control officer who will take over next January as the head of Nigeria’s oldest bank, First Bank, is disappointed that regulators are not tougher in insisting on transparency and disclosure of information. Foreign investors demand open banking procedures, he says, yet banks are not now obliged to open their books to scrutiny. “Are these banks being properly managed? Are these assets being properly deployed?” asks Mr Sanusi. “We don’t know the reality.”

Nigeria is sub-Saharan Africa’s second-biggest economy after South Africa’s and the world’s eighth-largest oil exporter, yet the continent’s most populous country (with 140m-plus citizens) has yet to fulfil its economic potential. A robust banking sector that everyone can have confidence in is essential; the country’s reformers and regulators cannot rest on their laurels.

HOW TO SURVIVE THE NSE CRASH

2008-08-24T08:57:00.000-07:00

Truth is the stock market has its ups and downs and we are in the "downs" at the moment. I've seen optimistic forecasts that this downturn or bear market will not last, that it will soon be over. I choose to disagree. I believe you will have some ups like we are seeing for petroleum stocks at the moment but I doubt if you will see the bandwagon jumping up of stock prices (bull market) that we have experienced over the past three years or so. This bear market may go on for the next two years. Advise you go back to the drawing board and appraise your portfolio. It is a good time however to ACCUMULATE solid companies. BUY large chunks but be prepared to wait 2-4 years to reap big time.

PREACHING AGAINST ALCHOHOL AND WORKING IN BREWERIES

2008-08-24T08:48:00.000-07:00

Someone I know is seriously born again and after staying 3 years at home post NYSC with a degree in mechanical engineering, he later got a job with Nigerian breweries (makers of maltina, star etc). He even gave testimony on how he scored the highly coveted job and explained to fellow praying believers that he will not be working in the alcohol department and that he'll be into something else besides making the beer or tasting it in any way.

Is it proper for a born again Christian who is against drinking alcohol to work for a company making the alcohol? Should he quit that job and believe God for another job? Should Christians work for other companies that make alcohol, condoms, cigarettes even if they don't use those things?

SHARING CONDOMS IN CHURCHES?

2008-08-24T08:46:00.000-07:00

There's have been a big controversy whether condoms should be distributed in the church or church should just stick to its abstinence message.

In my own opinion,I think condoms should be allowed and should be preached by pastors along side with abstinence. It should be a two way thing. Since we all know that abstinence is what majority of the world can't practice and the number of people living with H.I.V/A.I.D.S is growing everyday peculiarly in Africa.

Since the sole responsibility of the pastor is to save souls and people die everyday of H.I.V/A.I.D.S because they can't abstain, don't you think condoms should be infix so that in lieu of people dying of H.I.V/A.I.D.S,they wont, they would use condoms because abstinence is the thing of the spirit and live longer at the same time reduce the numbers of people with H.I.V/A.I.D.S.?

Please express your views.

FORMER PRESIDENT HASSLES.

2008-08-24T08:45:00.000-07:00

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The dismantling of Obasanjo
Written by Tony Momh
Sunday, 24 August 2008
THE meeting of the National Executive Committee of the Peoples Democratic Party at Abuja on Tuesday, August 5 marks the beginning of the losses that await former President Olusegun Obasanjo in the next few months.
Some key figures who may have been there may have decided to keep our former head of state, life leader of the PDP and maker of modern Nigeria, company outside the venue.

They were mainly governors of the southwest whose grudging support for Obasanjo has never been hidden; Senate President David Mark who has been a faithful ally was not there; so also House Speaker Dimeji Bankole whose presence Obasanjo would, in any case, have detested and discountenanced. He once had him walked out of a caucus meeting.

Ogun State Governor Gbenga Daniel did not have to be there to prove that he was no longer in the good books of Obasanjo. His presence would have been pushing salt and pepper into a gaping and bleeding political wound.

Not even just political, but also economic and social. But loyal Andy Uba was there, and so also was Bode George that many did not know EFCC had been stalking.

But the important thing to note was that the four-star general who is the only military leader in the history of Nigeria that accessed political office at the highest level and was there for eight years knew what awaited him at the National Executive Committee meeting of the party he seized control of in December, 2005.

And at the height of his power, he transformed into the Leader of the Party, the Founder of Modern Nigeria, the Sole Dispenser of favours… His image loomed larger than the country that gave him a pedestal to stand on, to speak from. And he spoke as if no one sent him!

And instead of standing on that pedestal and immortalizing his name for him to be regarded as the leader among our heroes past, by restructuring a country that needed to be better and more properly managed, he wanted to strengthen the centre to continue to rule.

Greed replaced service and the bodies he set up to defend the weak were turned into instruments to weaken the strong.

He had his hand in every pie, did what he liked with the budget, obeyed what laws he wanted to obey, used security agencies to do his bidding, ran his government as if there were no ministers, aside of the fact that he held the key ministries in the energy sector to his chest for the period he was in office…

His leaving office was the first step he took on the way downstairs. What that PDP meeting did showed clearly that Obasanjo’s time is up as leader of the party, as chairman of the Board of Trustees, as the sole determinant of who in the party gets what.

I am frightened for Obasanjo in spite of the fact that he is a cat with nine lives. Can’t you see that if you put a number to the lives of cats, you have cause to worry because as the end draws nearer the closer you are to the number nine?

As the outcome of a war is determined by who the gladiators are, what is happening shows clearly that the military cannot cope with politicians outside recourse to the sheer force of material weaponry. That fact is not only true with Nigeria; it is true world-wide because the word “politician” is the description of one whose armoury contains weapons for scheming.

Even those who have been part of coup-making in Nigeria have confessed that they were prodded by politicians, most of whom have never seen more than dane guns in their life. Look at Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan.

Maximum effect

He is the most recent victim of the deadliness of political panzar onslaught that only politicians can organize and execute.

Their weapons are words, and they specialize in using them to maximum effect. It was an American politician who told his colleagues in congress when he was being taken on for misconduct that, like every other of his colleagues, he was exercising his prerogative as a politician to tell lies.

Yes, telling lies is the motto of the politician, but there is no end to his seeking to put power behind the words he utters. Only last week, we were reading the deadly impact hypnosis can have on those who have handed themselves over to prayer warriors and native doctors.

Former NDDC chairman Sam Edem is now in court charged with handing over N800 million of the commission’s money to a 34-year-old native doctor who claimed that his religion is paganism and that he is spiritual consultants to many of our top leaders.

But who knows if some of the weapons fashioned against Edem who had been Nigeria’s high commissioner to Canada and our ambassador to Senegal, was not the potent weapon of obedience without question buried in the tongue! We were told when we were growing up that powerful men powered their utterances with invocations and incantations.

Every politician seeks this weapon of control and uses it to advantage. Someone stole my walking stick when I attended a political meeting at Abuja.

Someone said the thief must have thought it was there my power lay! I wished he had also taken away the pain in my knee the stick was meant to be a support for!

Imagine how helpless and subdued Musharraf was when he opted to resign as president of Pakistan instead of facing impeachment proceedings that opposition groups had packaged. He was a maximum ruler for the better part of nine years.

He was associated with killing, maiming, assassinations, blackmail, and ruthlessness in dealing with challenges to his authority. So effective was he that even the United States of America found use for him in their definition of democracy.

But when the politicians had put their acts together, Musharraf discovered a gaping hole in his upbringing. His dependence on force had robbed him of the opportunity to learn the ways of those who depend on the tricks of foxes.

He knew not how to play political chess. Did you watch him deliver that boring parting speech when he said he was leaving his future “in the hands of the people”? Those were the same people he had ruled with an iron fist, the people whose protests he broke up when they told him about the irreducible minimum demands for taking part in democratic elections.

He said he had consulted his lawyers and advisers before he decided to throw in the towel, yet he had, in his days of glory, dismissed senior judges of the judiciary who had opposed his decision to remain in office as military head of state and presidential candidate.

In answer to mass protests of the people, he had declared a state of emergency in his country and set rules for electioneering! And this is the man looking straight into television cameras and saying he was leaving his future in the hands of the people! How are the mighty fallen!

What is happening to our Baba Iyabo is not different. Someone who said the way he is being treated by his party would never have been contemplated by the Opposition has a point. But many things seem to be so wrong in the boldness with which Obasanjo demonised this country that even his son would have risen against him.

That he did was for another reason! But killing his political children one by one is a more painful way to destroy our mother hen. Look at the demolition arrangement - Nuhu Ribadu and his sudden need to be trained at Kuru, El Rufai and all those lands that were allocated to Obasanjo at a time when those allocated to former heads of state were revoked; the arrival of Etteh as Speaker of the House of Representatives and the decision of the House to remove her even after Baba himself had intervened; the replacement of Etteh with a candidate Baba was directly and still opposed to; the cornering Iyabo, his daughter in the Senate for an offence I still believe is a non-issue;

the different national assembly probes that are showing up rot unprecedented in the history of governance anywhere in the world; the arrest and temporary incarceration of two of his political sons he assigned to the aviation ministry and empowered to help sanitise the sector; decision from the blues to demote Ribadu and 139 others for reasons that had been there all the while; the reversal of most of the economic decisions he had taken, many of which, understandably, were meant to create image problems for his hand-picked president and vice president. And so on and so forth.

The latest as I packaged this piece is the removal of the last Obasanjo man standing in the presidency, Dr. Gbolade Osinowo whose position as the acting chief of staff has been scrapped. The Punch of June 11 had published that President Yar’Adua was under pressure to scrap the Chief of Staff post. Who pressurized him? Why are you asking me?

The fact is that if our president has achieved nothing for you to see since he took office in May 2007, he has through a policy to have a country that is not ruled by one man, given us one that is ruled by a group. The composition of that group, and how spread they are to reflect what the constitution demands is an area the servant leader must find time to reflect on.

As is, it will be difficult for the centre to hold.
No, I am not wicked telling of what fate awaits our man who came, saw and goofed in every department of his tenure.

What I am doing is part of the progress report you are entitled to. Some people were angry with me because of my claim in my March 16, 2008 piece entitled Fixing Mr. Fix It that Chief Tony Anenih’s days had not been numbered because of what was happening to him then in the struggle to control the PDP in Edo State.

I said then that people were looking at the crescent of the moon, not the full moon because I saw clearly the war games that were being played country-wide and I knew that Anenih belonged in the group that would castrate Obasanjo.

With all the decisions announced after the August 5 meeting, decisions reflected in a communiqué that may well have been written before the NEC meeting, who is in doubt about where the wind is blowing? If you still doubt that the nine lives of the cat infer limitless tenure, then let’s keep up with the waiting game.

Time speaks at the end and we will all be there, hopefully, when the trumpet of explosive changes in the PDP sounds.

CAN PASTORS COMMIT SINS?

2008-08-24T08:36:00.000-07:00

THIS STORY WAS SENT TO ME ONLINE, READ AND COMMENT.

i feel so depressed. i usually drop her off for fellowship at her pastors house with other memebers. this day i dropped her earlier dan usual and drove off. i den remembered that i left my house keys and atm card in her handbag. i tried calling but her phone was off. i became suspicious and decided to make a u- turn. getting back to the pastors compound, the gate was left open so i walked in. ungetting to the door, the door was ajar as well so i went in straight to the parlour. then i hed a female voice saying "please don't stop now" and a male voice groaning. i immediately sneeaked upstairs where the voices where coming from. i found the room and in one swift motion i flung the door open

only to see the pastor and my babe naked in a doggy position! i was so pieced and not knowing what to do at that time i just walked out of the premises

Now she is calling me an apologizing. Am so confused cus this is a girl i have come to love. someone who has virtually made me what i am. the painful thing is that we are to get married in september. and guess who was to preside at the white wedding. the same pastor!

DG, STOCK EXCHANGE IN TROUBLE.

2008-08-24T08:24:00.000-07:00

Director-General of the Nigerian Stock Exchange, Ndi Okereke-Onyiuke, has been arrested by the operatives of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission,EFCC, over her role in the controversial N100million fundraiser, which she and her group claimed was meant to support the candidacy of Barack Obama, US Democratic presidential hopeful.

Onyiuke was arrested in Abuja today, following a petition written to the EFCC by the authorities of the SEC. She is currently under the custody of the EFCC.

Femi Babafemi, EFCC spokesperson, confirmed arrest.

GUILTY AS CHARGED!

JUJU; DOES IT STILL WORK?

2008-08-24T08:22:00.000-07:00

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Nothing works in Nigeria any more. Electricity has dropped to less than 900mw, water no dey run, sanitation remains poor; now even our tried and tested juju has begun to fail us. What's happening?

We relied on our local technology or juju to fight the white man from colonizing us, used juju to find missing aircrafts.

Does anyone remember the good old days when men were men and you could walk on River Niger, walk through walls, and cause untold confusion among the army and police by making them speak totally different languages, thanks to our local juju technology?

Unfortunately, things have fallen apart and our potent juju has tended towards impotence.

If only these guys in Akwa Ibom who went to unleash their juju on the local police command had understood the weaning powers of their technology. Does anybody have any suggestion on how to increase the potency of our juju?

Quote
Our juju failed us, kidnappers tell Okiro
By Olusola Fabiyi, Abuja
Published: Thursday, 3 Jul 2008
The Inspector-General of Police, Mr. Mike Okiro, and other senior police officers watched in awe on Wednesday as suspected kidnappers narrated how they tried in vain to secure the release of one of their own from police station with the aid of juju.

The suspects, Idorenyin Akpan, Aniefiok Sunday and Aniefiok, told Okiro that they had gone to the Akwa Ibom State Police Headquarters in Uyo to plant charms against the commissioner of police in the state and the investigating officers in charge of the case of a Lebanese who was kidnapped.

They claimed that their friend was arrested at Ikot Akpan, Abia Village, Uyo, on June 28, adding that the essence of the charm was to cause confusion among policemen in the headquarters to release their colleagues and evade justice.

Akpan, who spoke on behalf of his colleagues, said, “We went there with our juju which was prepared for us by the man who we have paid for the job. We paid him N7,000.

“But we were surprised that instead of the juju working in our favour, it worked against us. That was how we were arrested.”

Seven other suspects were also paraded by the police boss for kidnapping while three others were accused of cultism and unlawful possession of firearm.

The first set of the suspects, Ubong Akpan, Bassey Akpabio, Uwen Akpan and John Effiong were accused of kidnapping three Chinese and were paid N18m before they were released.

According to Okiro, “These suspects kidnapped the three expatriate staff of AKC Alphast plant, at Akampa, Cross River State.

“They demanded and received ransom amounting to N18m. The group engaged a native doctor to assist them to escapee arrest.”

BRITISH IMMIGRATION OFFICIALS EXPOSE NIGERIAN WOMEN NAKEDNESS!

2008-08-24T08:14:00.000-07:00

British immigration officials are alleged to have subjected some Nigerian women to dehumanising treatment, stripping them in the guise of security screening.

The women, our correspondent learnt on Monday, were among passengers on Emirates flight EK 0015 to London on August 5, this year.

The flight left Lagos on August 5, made a stopover in Dubai and arrived Gatwick on August 6.

But after the passengers disembarked, some female immigration officials randomly picked some Nigerian women and ordered them into a room where they were reportedly stripped.

One of the affected passengers who narrated her ordeal to our correspondent on the condition of anonymity, for fear that she might be stigmatised, said she and her colleagues were compelled to take off their clothes and underwear while the officials used security gadgets to frisk them.

She said, “Immediately we were taken into the room, we were compelled to take off our clothes. We protested but they threatened to deport us if we failed to co-operate.

“But they were not even satisfied with that. They ordered us to also remove our undies and brassieres. They then started to frisk our private parts and breasts with security equipment.

“I wept profusely but the officials were unmoved. They said they wanted to be sure that we did not conceal hard drugs in our bodies.

“At a point, one of them knelt down, asked me to open my legs wide while she looked deep into my private part. It was dehumanising and I felt as if I was raped. I felt ashamed as I dressed up and left the room. I regretted the trip.”

The woman, who is her 30s and married with children, said she and the other women were later released after nothing incriminating was found on them.

When contacted on the matter on Monday, an official of the Public Affairs section of the British High Commission in Nigeria, Mr. Dele Oladokun, promised to reach the relevant officials and then get back to our correspondent.

Chei!
and more women will still rush abroad to spend looted funds, are we sure these immigration officials wont film their nakedness and sell?

OLYMPICS; CHINA VS USA

2008-08-24T08:08:00.000-07:00

As we all know USA has over 100 medals so far but fewer golds.

China has lesser medals but the most gold.

Who is the winner? The country with more medals or the country with more golds?

Medals standing soooooooo far!!

Medal Standings Total
1 CHN 49 19 28 96
2 USA 33 36 36 105
3 RUS 21 21 27 69
4 GBR 19 13 15 47
5 GER 15 10 15 40

WILL YOU RETURN TO BUILD NIGERIA?

2008-08-24T08:04:00.000-07:00

Return home, Fashola charges Nigerians in diaspora
13.08.2008

The Lagos State governor, Mr. Babatunde Fashola, on Monday told Nigerians in the diaspora to return home and help build the nation.

Fashola, who spoke at an appreciation dinner in honour of members of the Eko Club International on medical mission to the state, said “it would be a great disservice to the fatherland if Nigerian professionals would stay abroad while the country seek elsewhere for the services which they could easily provide.”

Noting that some Nigerians abroad sometimes hide behind the argument that there might not be anything for them to do in the country if they returned, Fashola said “it is no excuse to ask us what you would do when you come back home because there was no promise when you left the country.

“I recommend to all Nigerians in the diaspora, the time to come back home is now. The Asians are going back home. No one else can fix this country for us. We had a choice also, we could have left, but we stayed back.

“We need you to come home. I make a passionate appeal to all Nigerians, wherever they are, to begin to find their way back home, let us build up our country.”

According to the governor, “I believe that at the last count, we were said to have over 22,000 medical personnel of all categories outside this country. Those were the people who went to build the medical practice of Cairo, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Iran and others and now, we are gloriously and happily exporting indisposed Nigerians to these countries.”

He said the services being provided for Lagos by the Medical Mission were also needed in other states of the federation, calling on those who are disposed to come home and extend their services to the states.

VOTE OF THANKS

2008-07-29T07:08:00.000-07:00

During a wedding reception; the groom was called upon to give his response to his guests and it went like this: I want to first of all thank the Lord Almighty for creating my wife and to also thank the pastor and his wife for lending us their wedding rings. Special appreciation to my landlord who lent us his car. I am most grateful to my boss for approving the loan I used for the wedding. Big thanks to the committee of friends for the appeal fund they raised. Also to my brother?s wife, thank you for lending us your wedding gown. Am so grateful to the cake designer for the cake. I promised to return it tomorrow morning as agreed. Special thanks to my friends who brought food from their homes to help me feed you all

KFC CHICKEN

2008-07-29T07:04:00.000-07:00

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is, that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

FUNNY PROVERBS (2)

2008-07-29T06:49:00.000-07:00

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to press on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to If at first you don't
succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their
level of incompetence.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary is:
You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project
Management at its best).

TRUE MEANING OF SOME JOBS

2008-07-27T06:36:00.000-07:00

1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there.

7. A topologist is a someone who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.

8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

10. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

LEARN CHINESE IN 15 MINUTES

2008-07-20T03:22:00.000-07:00

1) That's not right . . . Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive? . . . Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP . . . Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man . . .Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse . . . Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? . . Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table . . Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift . . . Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here . . . Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet . . .Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone . . . No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week . . . Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight . . . Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile . . .Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive . . . Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great . . . Fa Kin Su

SILENT TREATMENT

2008-07-20T03:10:00.000-07:00

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence *AND LOSE*, he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woke him up when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up!"

CANNED FOOD

2008-07-10T03:49:00.000-07:00

This is Serious!

This incident happened recently in North Texas .
A woman went boating one Sunday taking with her some cans of coke which she put into the refrigerator of the boat. On Monday she was taken to the hospital and placed in the Intensive Care Unit. She died on Wednesday.
The autopsy concluded she died of Leptospirosis. This was traced to the can of coke she drank from, not using a glass. Tests showed that the can was infected by dried rat urine and hence the disease Leptospirosis.
Rat urine contains toxic and deathly substances. It is highly recommended to thoroughly wash the upper part of soda cans before drinking out of them. The cans are typically stocked in warehouses and transported straight to the shops without being cleaned.
A study at NYCU showed that the tops of soda cans are more contaminated than public toilets (i.e).. full of germs and bacteria. So wash them with water before putting them to the mouth to avoid any kind of fatal accident.

THE COMPLETE PROVERBS

2008-07-10T03:44:00.000-07:00

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:

As you shall make your bed so shall you ---- mess it up.

Better to be safe than ---- punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the ---- bug is close.

It's always darkest before ---- daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of ---- termites.

You can lead a horse to water but ---- how?

Don't bite the hand that ---- looks dirty.

No news is ---- impossible.

A miss is as good as a ---- Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new ---- math.

If you lie down with the dogs, you'll ---- stink in the morning.

The pen is mightier than the ---- pigs.

An idle mind is ---- the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke, there's ---- pollution.

Happy the bride who ---- gets all the presents!

A penny saved is ---- not much.

Two's company, three's ---- the Musketeers.

Don't put off till tomorrow what ---- you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ---- you have to blow your nose.

Children should be seen and not ---- spanked or grounded.

You get out of something what you ---- see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind ---- get out of the way.